Things I can’t talk about

There are things I can’t talk about.

Topics that hurt too much…things that are too hurtful, too painful…too personal.

Topics that, if I were to write a blog post about it, would be titled “ sexual aggression”.

There are things I’ve wanted to talk about in therapy that I just…haven’t been able to.

Things that require a very certain amount of drunkness to even be able to broach.

Something happened to me recently that falls under the very definition of rape. But this isn’t something that I can easily talk about…especially considering I have such a significant history of rape and sexual assault. But this…I just can’t figure out the words for it.

I am hurt.

The logical me knows that I have been clearly violated.

But the other parts of me…the anxious parts, the scared parts, the hurt parts….they just want to shut it down.

This is something that I know I need to talk about, especially because it’s been on my mind so much lately. But I just can’t.

I don’t like being hurt, but I know this person wasn’t trying to hurt me. I think it was just a bad decision that hopefully this person knows was a wrong decision.

Still, despite the fact I know this person would never intentionally hurt me, I feel hurt. And for that reason alone, I probably need to find the strength to talk about it.

I just don’t know how to start.

4 thoughts on “Things I can’t talk about”

  1. I am so sorry for your pain. A violation of this kind can be irreversible and unintentionally places shame on the victim instead of the aggressor. This shame comes from within and a way to relieve this pain can come from bringing it into the light. A therapist is a person who knows your inner thoughts but whom you don’t have to face day in and day out. They are a person who will listen and provide perspective. I encourage you to talk to your therapist, not because I am a therapist but because I am also a victim. I am definitely not telling you what to do… this is your journey, but it saddens me that you live with this pain silently. Take care, Annie

    1. Yeah it definitely does feel shameful for me even though I didn’t do anything. I guess that makes it feel harder to talk about. I’ve talked with my therapist about things like this before, but not this specifically. Hopefully I’ll be able to find the courage to talk about it with her soon.

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