Okay, therapist. I’ll let you in.

I can think of few things that needed to happen as much as last night in therapy needed to happen.

In case you’re new here, the only bit of context you might need is that my therapist and I have been working together for a loooong time. Like, 9-10 years. Every week. Sometimes twice a week.

For as much as we’ve been working on attachment in general with me, we’ve been working on it I guess more directly in terms of our relationship. Working on trusting her, being able to open up and be more vulnerable…actually feeling safe enough to feel emotions…ya know, all that fun stuff.

The shit show of events that have piled on over the past few months have shaken me in a really significant way. It’s left me feeling broken and weak. And like I can’t possible have anything else bad happen to me.

One of the bad things that could potentially happen to me is the people that I care the most about, leave. Or hurt me.

But, in, ya know, broken person logic…they can’t leave me if I push them away first.

So we talked about that. How I’m mad at her, but I’m not actually mad at her. I’m just keeping everyone at a distance. My walls are up, and I’m protecting myself. Because people can hurt you. Especially the people that you know you need the most.

She countered that (obviously brilliant) logic by saying she’s already inside of the walls I built around myself, so there’s no point in trying to push her away. She’s not going anywhere. Damn it. She isn’t wrong.

We’ve, she’s, put a lot of time and effort into being a person in my life that I can trust and feel safe with.

She asked me if I ever don’t feel great or whatever when I’m there, in therapy. I said only when I have so many thoughts in my head, but I feel like I cant get them out. I can’t say the words, and that makes me hate myself. So we worked on that….being able to say those things. Even if they’re scary or vulnerable or will make me feel feelings. Gross.

She asked me about the times in the past that she’s hurt me, or that I’ve felt hurt. Some were obvious, we’ve talked about it before. There were maybe 2 other things that immediately came to mind…but, again, I had trouble with the words. I mean, talk about being vulnerable…and that’s about as vulnerable as it gets. We were able to talk about it kind of anyway, and I do feel like it was helpful and productive.

Secure attachment just isn’t something that makes sense to me. My therapist and I have absolutely had our rough spots. Any relationship does. A marriage, a friendship, a therapeutic relationship…they will all certainly go through trials and tribulations and disagreements and hard times. But it’s how you work through the hard times…and knowing that you can.

I guess that’s the difference between feeling secure or not. Knowing that every relationship will be challenged at times…but trusting that you’ll be okay. And that you can work through it.

My therapist asked me if there was anything she could do or say that would make me feel like I don’t need to push her away to protect myself from feeling or getting hurt.

I told her I pretty much just needed a guarantee that she’s not going anywhere, that she’s not going to get mad at me for something and try to get rid of me, and that even when she retires however many years down the line, we’ll go get coffee once a week and she’ll still be there. (Ya know, no big deal)

She agreed to my terms. (Right? I mean, I took it as a yes, so…) I’m not so fragile that she can’t say things I disagree with. Oh, trust me, we both know that. I just need to know that she’ll be there. And…I think maybe she will be.

I do trust her. Which is…hard. It’s hard to trust. But I trust her with me. I trust her to know me, and to know how to get me through the most bullshit, fucked up times. (i.e. now)

I’m pretty sure most people don’t go to school and come out expecting to encounter a person like me throughout their career. There’s no textbook or manual for cracking the code of me.

It’s just one of those things. Finding the right person, and figuring out together what works and what doesn’t. And trusting the process along the way.