It’s no secret that this week has been a little bit of a tough one. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it was definitely my worst week in quite some time.
The past few nights have been a little bit messy, not as relaxed or stress free as I’d have liked, and it’s just been…hard.
I think part of the issue is that I have a lot of tension buried deep, DEEP down. Things have gotten to me at the core of me, but I refuse to let it surface or give it the time of day. So I think that it all just kind of comes bubbling over at the end of the day when I’d perhaps like to let things go more easily.
That’s really all it is. Life is constant jabs, people saying stupid shit or doing something stupid or getting under your skin…it’s constant stimulation of annoyances. Some big, some small, some that are literally so insignificant we don’t even assign them any mental energy. Usually.
I find that, for me, the stronger and more put together I am, the more I’m able to brush off and ignore all of those things. But when I’m already cracked underneath, when I’m already battling my emotions and things already feel so heavy, I react much stronger than I probably should.
Little things hold more weight, I can’t brush it off as easily, and it just feels like it all builds on top of each other rather than it being its own unique event.
So that makes nights harder, when my husband does something perhaps slightly offensive or just stupid, and I hang on to it. I just can’t let it go. And it feels really big, when maybe, just maybe, it isn’t.
I pride myself on being self aware and trying to understand the why behind a lot of my actions. I think taking the time to reflect and really focus on what went wrong, why it went wrong, and how to prevent it from going wrong next time, is a skill that I’ve worked really hard to develop.
So that’s what I’m doing today. Giving myself the space and the grace to sit back and look at things for a second. Removing and judgement, (my therapist suggested that last part last week) and really just looking at it.
This is actually kind of a lot of what we talked about in therapy last week. And it is something I do naturally all the time. The “without judgement” part is new to me. And makes it quite a bit harder.
No “ah, I really fucking suck” or “I hate myself, why would I do that” or “I’m the worst” type of thoughts. Just…without judgment.
Last night I really dug into my husband about something that’s quite genuinely been bothering me for a LONG time, but I overreacted in terms of my emotional word vomiting about how it feels really hurtful. I wasn’t wrong, I hold true to my points, but I could’ve gotten over it faster.
Despite that, we still had a good night. It ended up being okay. I allowed the metaphorical door to stay open, I invited him back in to pleasant conversation and good moments, and we moved on and went to sleep.
That’s progress.
On some level, I did let it go. I had to make the choice to. I chose to let go of the burden of holding onto negative feelings, and I shifted it.
And I have to tell you, it feels a lot better waking up this morning after having ending it on a good note than it does when we can’t get past it.
