My phone buzzes and I see your name. Shit. The content doesn’t matter. I’m already spiraling into unforgivable anxiety. My day ruined before it even begins. All it takes is a 2 word text and the images are back..replaying over and over. My heart can’t slow down even if I beg it to. A two […]
The panic of a text Read More »
As much as I wish I could successfully ignore things, as much as I wish I could just…wish the pain away, sometimes you just can’t. Sometimes shit just sucks and there’s really not much anyone can do about it. That’s where I’m at now. Right now in my life, shit just plain old sucks. And
Sometimes things just suck, and there’s nothing you can do. Read More »
Tuesday’s are OT days (occupational therapy) for the boys. Usually it’s a light, fun time where everyone is (most often) in a good mood. Including me. I rarely show emotion in general, but even if I seem a little off, their therapist will notice and call me out on it. I guess that’s what happens
I cried in therapy today, just not my own Read More »
Tonight, you’re telling me to drink more. And more…and more. You’re telling me that I’m not worth it. You’re telling me that I should give in, give up. You are trying to convince me that I’m not lovable, that in fact, my husband laying next to me is a liar for trying to convince me
Dear intrusive thoughts, Read More »
I really don’t know what to say. The words don’t flow easily, though the thoughts are relentless. I could tell a story, I can paint a picture, but apparently in writing only. And even then, I hold back. I minimize. I blame myself. My words are not eloquent late at night. But they are (less)filtered.
I don’t know how to talk about this Read More »
I thought it would be okay. It thought it wouldn’t happen again. But it did, and it happened worse. He touched me, he kissed me, he assaulted me. He put his hands on me. Under my clothes…inside me. These are not unclear circumstances, and I am not okay. If I was unclear before, if I
He assaulted me again, and tonight I am not unclear. Read More »
I’ve been told “go home and enjoy them” more times than I can count. I’ve been told “there’s nothing we can do, we’ll know more as the disease progresses” over and over. My future, our future, is uncertain. I grieve the memories I will miss out on. Will they live long enough to really….live? Does
Missing out on memories Read More »
You hear the stories of others, watch someone else’s life unfold, and you think to yourself “but that will never be me”. “I would never make those choices, I would never do that.” “I would never be that unlucky.” “I’d never put myself in that position.” “I would get out before it got too bad.”
You never think it will be you Read More »
In a world full of turmoil and pain, I find myself struggling to find my footing. I know what I want, I know what I need, but it doesn’t seem to come easily for me. I’ve been having a hard time lately. I’m feeling lost, betrayed, and so, so angry. Angry about what happened, angry
Bubble of protection; Please love me Read More »
The cool thing about me is that I never give up. Actually, I might even take that a little too far sometimes, but that’s okay. Things can be bad, I can get beaten down by life, by the world, by whatever. There are certainly bumps and bruises along the way, but I always keep going.
