In a world full of turmoil and pain, I find myself struggling to find my footing. I know what I want, I know what I need, but it doesn’t seem to come easily for me.
I’ve been having a hard time lately. I’m feeling lost, betrayed, and so, so angry. Angry about what happened, angry that I can’t find the words to talk about it, angry at others for not realizing how much pain I’m in.
When things like this happen in my life, when something happens that leaves me feeling this way, there’s typically one and only one thing that helps. Sharing my story, allowing one very trusted person in, allowing someone to take care of me, actually feeling safe with someone…that’s like the magical cure.
I spend all my life taking care of and nurturing other people, and sometimes I just so desperately need the same in the return.
I literally just want someone to see me, feel what I need and just wrap me up in this little bubble of protection and love to protect me from the world. Just keep me safe until I’ve grown strong enough to weather the storm myself again.
I hate leaning on people. I’ve learned over and over again that the only person I can count on in this world is me (and even that is questionable).
Maybe it’s not fair, maybe it’s wrong to want someone to “save” me or protect me…but the feeling of safety, of being protected….I just want to stop doing so much of the emotional work right now. I want someone to take over. To just be there, hold me (literally or metaphorically) and just take some of the burden from me.
What healing would feel like
Honestly? I feel like the only way for me to begin to heal is to get something like this. Just imagining what that would be like, feel like, even just imagining it feels good.
Someone being there all day. I don’t need to do anything. I can stay in bed, everything is taken care of. Not just my “jobs”, but I’m taken care of. My needs are attended to and met. I feel safe and loved.
Or even something like, spending the entire day in therapy (hah, I think she’d go crazy), but like, just being there. Just being there in a safe place with no pressure, no rush, just existing in a place that I can feel safe without the pressure or the rush to talk in a predetermined timeframe. I honestly think something like that could be so healing. Literally just being somewhere safe, with someone safe. I don’t know, just like, drinking coffee and freaking coloring.
I just want to scream that I’m not feeling strong right now. That I need help through this. I want to for once just be wrapped up in love and protection. I know that would help. That would be the thing that gets me there, to the trusting, allowing myself to be vulnerable side.
Why is this so hard? Why is the feeling of like…true safety and feeling loved and taken care of so hard to find? I don’t know.
I’ve always just felt like love would make it okay. Like the feeling of being taken care of, protected, safe…that’s what love is for me. That’s where I know it exists. That’s what I have to offer for everyone around me.
And when I get that? When those feelings are met for me? I do feel okay.
I’m not saying I want someone to do the work for me, I know at the end of the day, only I can do the work. I just could use some help along the way.
I wish I knew how to get what I needed now. It would mean everything.