Often times in my life, the harder things get, the more I pull back. It can feel like I don’t know what to say, or that I don’t know how to say it, so I just don’t.
I withdraw, even from myself. I get into this rut, and it’s so hard to crawl out of.
This is a pattern that I’ve gone through for years. I’ve learned…and my therapist insists upon, that the more I feel like that, the harder it gets for me to write, the more important it is to push through that.
Even if I’m writing about nothing, even if I’m writing about not being able to write…I need to just keep writing. Or typing.
Keeping my voice alive, not dismissing myself, it becomes so necessary.
I don’t know why I do it. I don’t know why I silence myself. If it’s that I don’t feel worthy of feeling, if it’s that I’m afraid I’ll get “too dark”, I’m not sure. Or maybe it’s that I’m just afraid to start, because I have no idea where it will end up.
But, sometimes I think that’s the best time to write. Writing when you don’t know where it will end up tends to be the most telling. It tends to help me understand what I might be feeling, or what might be going on beneath the surface that I didn’t even give credit to.
So that’s what I’m doing now. I’m writing about writing. Because sometimes it gets hard, and I’ve learned that I absolutely have to push through it.
It’s a lot like life. It gets hard…but you can’t just stop. You can’t give up, you just have to keep going.
I don’t want to lose my voice, and I don’t want to fall to the background. I am strong and I need to stay strong.
So, I offer you all this gem. Writing about writing. Thank you, whoever reads this, to allow me this outlet for keeping my voice just a bit more alive.