Trust is such a…powerful word, which holds quite a bit of meaning and weight.
Questions like who I can trust, what can I trust them with…and what does it even mean to trust? Do I even have it in me? Do I posses the capability to allow myself to trust another person? Give them the greatest gift I have to offer, the thing I hold the closest to me?
Trust is something that doesn’t come easily, or naturally to me. At all. I’ve struggled with it for my entire life. Simply put, I don’t trust. I don’t trust anyone. With anything. And I wish that were different.
I have therapy tonight. And I’m having the kind of time lately where I wish I could just…go in there, feel all of my fucking feelings truthfully and honestly, and just…I don’t know. Lay down on the floor and break the fuck down, or something.
Trust her with all of the……all of the me that there is. I feel broken and alone and scared. I’m scared of so many things right now. My present, my past, my future…it’s all so unknown. And it’s terrifying.
And I just don’t have the energy to deal with it. Despite the fact that my husband has no PTO left until the end of August, I begged him to stay home today. (He didn’t.) I am just completely depleted of all energy, both physical and mental.
It’s bad. Yesterday was a prime example of how bad it is. I had a decision to make with my hour of “free” time….I could shower, which I needed to do, or…I could lay in bed and fall asleep while my 5 year old watched Bluey in my room and my 3 year old was napping.
(Guess which one I chose. Dry shampoo for the win.)
I wish I was strong enough to walk into therapy tonight and be weak. Strong enough to be vulnerable, and broken, and…whatever else the real, authentic me was feeling.
To be honest, I’m not sure if it’s her that I don’t trust, or if it’s me. I don’t trust myself to feel my feelings. I don’t trust that I can break down and fall apart…and somehow find it in me to put myself back together. To be okay again…when what I feel is so not okay.
Today feels like I want to give up. I woke up and I could just feel it. I have zero spoons, zero fucks to give, and zero energy. Frankly, it sucks. Days like this SUCK.
And all I want is the specs to heal and feel and to be able to be honest. I want, and need, therapy to go well tonight. But I just don’t know how to make that happen.
I need to trust myself, and trust her. Without that trust, I’ll never be able to get anywhere.
I do trust her to some extent. Honestly, I trust her probably more than I trust anyone else that I know. But there’s still something holding me back from actually totally trusting her. Or anyone else.
And until I figure out what that is, that thing holding me back, I don’t think I’ll ever truly heal or make progress. I think it all starts and ends with trust.
Trust, and vulnerability. Maybe tonight I can try to do both.
I hope I don’t let myself down.