Today is the last day of spring break here. And let me tell you, it has been a long week. My 6 year old will go back to school tomorrow, leaving me home with just my 4 year old and 5 month old. (Yes, he’s 5 months as of yesterday 😭).
I will be glad for the change of pace and the quietness, to be honest. But I definitely don’t love all the driving around and being forced to go out for pick up and drop off every day.
Today my son has his first appointment with his new therapist. I will be going with him, and he has been really looking forward to it. I don’t know how it will go or what will end up happening, but I’m glad that he’s excited. He’s even said that he thinks it will help him. Our relationship does need a lot of work on top of him needing to do his own work with emotional regulation. So, yeah. I’m just excited and hoping it helps. I need something to help.
Then shortly after that, I have my own therapy. and thank goodness for that. Because things have been…yeah. A bit rough, I suppose.
I can safely say I has my first legitimate breakdown of birthday season this year over the weekend.
Saturday night was hard. And I was feeling all the feelings. I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to or…anything. So I just sat in my bathroom and broke down for a while. While hoping and looking for anyone to reach out to. I did reach out to a good WordPress friend, so, thank you for that. It was just so scary feeling like that, while trying not to do something I knew I would regret.
Grief is weird. Adoption is hard. And navigating relationships that I’m so worried about the boundaries in is impossible.
Like, can I reach out? Am I offending you? Can I follow up on a text? Do you secretly not want to hear from me? It’s just so complicated. I want to be as present and engaged as I can be…while maintaining whatever boundaries they think there should be that I’m just guessing at.
My birth sons adoptive parents still have not gotten back to me as far as what I can get for him for his birthday. And it’s really hard. It really hurts. It’s so hard to reach out to begin with and ask them. Doing it a second time feels unbearable.
I had a really good talk with my best friend last night, and she kind of apologized for missing a text from me the other day where I was talking about some adoption stuff. I never expect anyone to answer me, so I wasn’t mad at her. But it did make me feel better to know they she didn’t intentionally ignore me, and that I wasn’t bothering her.
We talked for a while about everything that happened the other night, and it felt good to talk about it and know that I’m not so alone in it. It made me feel better know that she is there, and she (once again) reassured me that it’s never “a bother” to her when I reach out. I’ll always need that reassurance, and I’ll always doubt my worth. So it was a welcomed reminder that I don’t have to suffer alone.
I’m glad I have therapy tonight. My friend made me promise to talk about adoption shit tonight with her, because I really haven’t brought it up at all recently. I really just thought I could power through this year and just ignore my feelings.
Obviously, I was very wrong. I need to lean on my support network more right now. Even though it’s hard, even when I hate myself for leaning on other people. Maybe I don’t have to feel guilty about it.
Maybe that’s just what people are there for sometimes. I know I’m always there for my people, so maybe it’s okay if I allow others to be there for me, too.
All in all, I think today will be a good(er) day. I’m glad my son will meet with his therapist today, and I’m extremely relieved to have therapy tonight.
Maybe I’ll actually be honest about my feelings instead of shoving them away.