Year 27. A year I’d never thought I’d make it to. To be honest, I’m surprised every year when I turn a year older. It just always feels like an accomplishment, like I survived once again despite the odds being stacked against me. Year 26 was brutal. Most of it life circumstances, some of it […]
No matter how much I want to, I’ll never be able to speak the words that my head is screaming. I’ll always be a disappointment. Burdened to carry the weight of the world myself. I need to get this away from me. I need to share the weight of it. This is crushing me, and
Today begins a new journey that I’m not sure I’m ready for, not sure I ever will be ready for. By now, I’m sure you’ve learned a few things about me. I have a significant amount of trauma and unresolved pain in my life. My childhood wasn’t a walk in the park, I’ve been in
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I couldn’t talk about it. I don’t know how to. I can answer questions, but even that is clumsy and hesitant. I don’t know which way to go here. This isn’t something that’s going to go away. This isn’t a person that I can avoid. My go to response is to ignore and avoid. This
I have a bad feeling about tonight. All day I’ve felt a certain sense of disconnect. Alone, isolated, panicked. It will be a night of bad choices, I can feel it from now. I could feel it brewing since last night. Drinking feels like the only way to ease this anxiety. I need love, a
Feeling disconnected Read More »
It’s been over a week since I’ve been to therapy, a vast difference from my typical twice a week schedule. I like it when things make sense, when I can be prepared, and when I more or less know what’s coming. I thought that would be the case going into Monday. Honestly, I thought I’d
When your “few nights a week” turns into every night, is it starting to be too much? When your typical 2 drinks a night turns into 3, is it too much then? What about when your (now typical) 3 drinks a night are getting stronger and stronger, is it too much now? When your drink
How much is too much? Read More »
The thing about trauma and PTSD is that it can come up unexpectedly and seemingly out of nowhere. I have a pretty significant amount of PTSD and all of that, but still, things frequently take me by surprise about what can be triggering or scary. Last year on Independence Day, my family shot off fireworks
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The Friday before a 3 day weekend. It’s been a long week in its own right, but this makes it feel even longer. There is a part of me that has come to dread the weekends. It’s like I have no excuse to feel bad. My husband willingly and graceful gives me a break from
“You’re future is worth sticking around for”. That’s the quote on my calendar this month. I laughed when I saw it. July is my birthday month, next week actually. I’m not a fan of my birthday, I’ve never been sold on the idea of celebrating me. I’ve never seen myself as worthy of celebrating. Not
