This is a hard season, I’m not going to lie. My mind has been messy for a minute now, the trauma of the past year, and really all of it in general, is catching up to me. I’ve been holding on, fighting a winless fight for a long time now. This time of year isn’t […]
Losing battles, winning wars Read More »
Lately, the hurt hurts. And it hurts really fucking badly. I feel like I don’t have even the most fleeting of moments to catch my breath. To catch up. To…..nullify or lessen even an ounce of the hurt. The days are so long, and the nights have felt even longer. Nightmare, after nightmare, after nightmare.
I just need a second Read More »
It’s nights like these….where the day was a little bit too long. The triggers were a little bit too triggering. And the thoughts are a little bit too heavy. You’re doing your best…but you know you’re failing. Honesty has been a bit of a struggle for me here lately. Possibly because I’m fighting so hard,
When you want to reach out….but you don’t know how Read More »
I’ve tried to be…stable at best…when it comes to alcohol lately. And for the most part, I’ve succeeded. Keeping it stable. Not increasing. Not allowing the negative emotions or demons or life circumstances to influence my nighttime decision making process. And honestly, the past few months or so? I’ve been killing it. But. But. Something
Awakening the beast Read More »
Well, we’ve arrived at the moment I’ve been dreading for the past 8 days…another one is down with the flu. Despite my best efforts to keep my 2 year old, and my most medically fragile kid away from his flu positive brother…I was apparently unsuccessful. He started sounding pretty bad yesterday and the cold he
Giving it all I got Read More »
Tonight has been one trigger after another, after another. It doesn’t matter what the fuck the cause was. Or the result, or the aftermath. Or even the aftermath of the aftermath. Because it was all wrong. And it was all fucked up. Be it the events of the week (my appointment with my neuromuscular doc
Last night was quite a different night than I feel like I’ve had in months. For the first time I think since literally September…I didn’t want to drink last night. I made one drink, drank it slower than usual, and just really had no desire for any more. So I didn’t have more. We went
Are the tides turning? Read More »
Failure has this way of compounding on itself. Becoming the biggest thing in the room…when maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t as big as we originally gave it credit for. Right now, my failure is loud. And it’s giving an even louder voice to my insecurities. My insistence on giving up, on giving in. I’ve convinced
The unjust power of failure Read More »
Sometimes…the conversations that hit the hardest are quick, short lived, and completely unexpected. It’s around 10pm. It’s a typical night here, and I’ve made a few drinks according to my specific plan and routine I have for myself. I made a drink, but left it across the room. A few minutes later, I was looking
Real conversations when you need them the most Read More »
More so than the days, the nights are filled with layers. Not only does the silence allow the emotions to become louder, more real, and ever so present…but the physical pain kicks up too. This is a season of hurt. It’s a flare up like a flare up I haven’t had in a while. Pain
