(((I know, I know. I’m writing a lot the past few days. I tend to do that. I feel things and I either completely shut down and stop all forms of communication, or I just try to write it all out. I guess I’m in that phase now?))) A hangover is guaranteed for tomorrow. But …
Hello again, alcohol. I did well these past few days with less of you, but I knew it was a temporary fix. Why would I need to drink when literally in “the happiest place on earth”? I had no need to. Not that one ever has a “need” for alcohol…but still. I drank to sleep, …
I feel like a broken soul. Too damaged to be fixed. Too lost for hope to find its way back to. Another night alone with too much alcohol. The only presence capable to dull this enormous pain. I want to be done, but I can’t be. I want to cry, but I can’t. If I …
Well crap. If that isn’t a handful, I don’t know what is. They feed off each other. They exist to torture me. I see no point for them to be exist otherwise. Combine all of that with loneliness? And you’ve got the hot mess express, ticket for one, rolling in real quick. You’d think drinking …
Tonight, you’re telling me to drink more. And more…and more. You’re telling me that I’m not worth it. You’re telling me that I should give in, give up. You are trying to convince me that I’m not lovable, that in fact, my husband laying next to me is a liar for trying to convince me …
Tonight, I’ll drink to forget. I’ll drink so I can forget this feeling, this self loathing for not being enough. For not doing a good enough job. I’ll drink to forget how I failed, how I feel like I’m constantly letting you down. I’ll drink to drown out the internal screaming voices of hatred that …
The last drink of the night. At least it should be. The thoughts are creeping in. I know if I close my eyes, they’ll invade completely. Finishing this drink, topping it off, makes the thoughts stop. I can’t ever fall asleep. Can’t close my eyes. Finishing this drink will ensure the choice is no longer …
I have a bad feeling about tonight. All day I’ve felt a certain sense of disconnect. Alone, isolated, panicked. It will be a night of bad choices, I can feel it from now. I could feel it brewing since last night. Drinking feels like the only way to ease this anxiety. I need love, a …
When your “few nights a week” turns into every night, is it starting to be too much? When your typical 2 drinks a night turns into 3, is it too much then? What about when your (now typical) 3 drinks a night are getting stronger and stronger, is it too much now? When your drink …
I said tonight would be the night. The night I take those first steps (for the hundredth time). The night that I would push back that first drink of the evening. It doesn’t need to be so early. Push it a little, wait an hour, 2 if you’re feeling good. I thought I could do …